Might Is Write

From the moment I heard the words “You have cancer,” everything I thought I knew about myself, my life, the world changed. Things moved at an impossibly rapid pace. I was facing my mortality in a very immediate and real way — no longer a philosophical or theoretical concept, having cancer sparks a flurry of thoughts and feelings, most of them completely unfamiliar and unexpected. It can be overwhelming trying to come to terms with this new journey and all that it brings emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. It’s like trying to build a house during an earthquake.

At times, one of the hardest things about living with cancer is talking about it. Saying “I have cancer” out loud was a surreal, almost out-of-body experience. Hearing those words resonate in my chest, vibrate in my throat, and fall out of my mouth made it real before I was truly ready for it to be so.

I found a great deal of empowerment and peace when I put pen (sometimes pencil) to paper. At the very beginning of my cancer journey, I went out and bought a colorful journal with lined pages, went into my bedroom, turned on the stereo, and opened it to the first page. I stared at the empty lines for a while, took in a deep breath, and these are the first words that poured onto the page: F*CK THIS SH**T!!!!!!!!

That was immediately followed by the profound and introspective: F*CK S**T DAMN MOTHERF*CKER S**HIT F*CK YOU A**SSHOLE F******CK F*CKER F*CK YOU F*CKING F*CK!!!!!!!!

The pen nearly ripped through the paper as I pressed on: I'M SCARED. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I AM NOT READY TO GO.

As I wrote, I felt more calm. More in control. I held the pen, it didn’t hold me. I moved it along the page, in my own way, in my own words, in my own time. I cried and I wrote. I screamed into the pillow and I wrote some more. Each time I wrote, it got a little bit easier to do. I found that I could write some things much more easily than I could say them.

The emotional and spiritual weight of living with cancer is a heavy burden to bear. At a time when we need every last ounce of our inner resources -- down to every single cell -- to be focused on healing and wholeness, we cannot always carry it all. And sometimes speaking is too hard. Writing is a way to lighten the load, even if temporarily. Free our mind and heart to be filled with as much life-giving positivity and strength as we can muster.

The power of the pen is mighty, indeed! (Or keyboard or whatever other non-verbal form of expression you choose!) Write on, friends!